(Originally published on 1UP.com on September 16, 2011)
(includes draft notes regarding Toby “the” Gamesmaster’s comments that were ultimately removed in favor of tyranny)
Well, they’ve gone back into the wild and returned with — well, they’ve returned with a whole heaping load of weird crap that’s at least marginally related to videogames. There’s a Final Fantasy bear, a Pokémon bra — you know, just normal crafts. Creative endeavors such as these are the cornerstone of the American dream, and will haunt your nightmares.
Description: This original illustration is from my 8 Bit Dreams series.
A daily project where I’m doing spot illustrations for each of the 799 original Nintendo Entertainment System games.
While there is a lot of tragedy in this list, not everything featured here is a disappointment. Far from pathetic, this illustration of obscure NES game Amagon is pretty much fried gold, but, then again, so is the original box art. I’m having a hell of time trying to decide which is the more awesome of the two. On the one hand, you’ve got a dinosaur (including egg), robot, UFO (including Devil’s Tower), crab, crystal skull, firefly, bat, Scooby Doo eyes, and unidentified screaming, purple creature. If only it contained a shark, it would have been a solid retrospective of every movie Steven Spielberg has ever made. On the other hand, there’s that guy’s nipples. I suggest you check out artist Campbell Whyte’s website (www.campbellwhyte.com) for more incredible drawings of every single NES title that ever was. Fester’s Quest is my favorite.
(Amagon cover image via wikipedia)
“THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN A TOP BECOMES A BOTTOM”
“DR. JECKELL AND MR. HIDE THE SALAMI”
“HIS SWEAT TASTES LIKE VICTORY. PLEASE ASK ME HOW I KNOW THAT”
“THERE ARE FEW THINGS I WON’T HAVE SEX WITH. THIS IS NOT ONE OF THEM.”
“DISTRESS IS A NATURAL LUBRICANT” (I don’t know what that means)
“SOMETHING ABOUT THE INCREDIBLE HULK”
Gunner Yuna Costumed Teddy Bear
Description: Yuna is an about 18″ handmade non-jointed teddy bear dressed as one of the heroines of the video game Final Fantasy X-2. Her clothes are all handmade as well.
Yuna is one of our more ambitious projects, with lots of details such as a fringed hip pouch, vinyl boots, beaded and wrapped “hair” tassel, laced wristlets, and a hand-painted and lace-frilled skirt. She is one of the few extra-detailed bears of ours to not sell immediately, so she is now available on Etsy. Hooray.
As with all of our bears, Yuna is a collector’s/adult fan item; we cannot guarantee child safety. Thank you.
With Matt Clark contributing, this article has enough gay innuendo as it is without bringing costumed bears into the mix, but we did have an obligation to fill the Final Fantasy quota. In this case, we’ve “stuffed” it full to the brim, with this adorable item that cannot be guaranteed to not kill your child. If you’re the sort of person that would buy a bear like this, the world can only hope that you have not, nor shall you ever bear (HA!) offspring that will potentially creep out my future children. In spite of its admittedly fine craftsmanship, Yuna Bear is only available on Etsy because she has not yet sold in normal outlets. Thank goodness the Internet is here to suck up all the refuse that falls to the bottom of the retail ocean. Unfortunately, we’ve been hired to perform a half-assed autopsy on Etsy right here in front of you and if that Kitner boy’s remains, or something like this bear, spill out all over the dock, we apologize.
“I’D SURE LIKE HER TO SHOVE HER HAND UP ME”
“AND YOU THOUGHT A BEAR IN A RAIN COAT WAS THE HEIGHT OF FASHION”
“STUFFED WITH THE HAIR OF ACTUAL BEARS. NOT THE ANIMALS”
“EYES NOT GUARANTEED TO MATCH”
“CHILDREN GUARANTEED TO DIE”
“NOT SAFE FOR CHILDREN OR ANYONE”
“WHILE DRESSED AS YUNA, BEAR IS ACTUALLY A MALE”
“BE SURE TO SET YOUR MATERIA BEFORE CUDDLING”
“NOT GUARANTEED TO ASSIST WITH SLEEP. QUITE THE OPPOSITE”
“GENTLY SCENTED WITH THE SOOTHING AROMA OF AN ANIME CONVENTION”
Nintendo Desk Organizer
Description: We’ve taken the cartridge cases for the classic NES games you know and love and upcycled them into a four slot desk organizer.
File your bills, organize your pen collection, use it to hold your scissors, whatever!
Be the envy of your office… or at least have a cooler place to keep your junk!
Sure, you may have taken four NES game dust covers and glued them together, expending a Super Big Gulp’s amount of creative juices, but you can’t rest on your laurels now. See, I’ve been working on my own line of desk organizers that’s going to make an Ikea KNÖS look like a NASCAR beer coozy. Get this: it’s cheap, non-toxic (for a while, at least), comes in a variety of shapes and sizes, is video game themed, and DOESN’T REQUIRE ANY GLUE. I give you, the Portal 2 Desk Organizer:
Now, I just need to work out the licensing with Valve, and you are going down, sir.
“A NES DUST COVER ALSO DOUBLES NICELY AS A SPITTOON”
“MY DESK NEVER NEEDS ORGANIZING, ONLY DISINFECTING”
“…AND THAT WAS THE LAST TIME I WAS ALLOWED TO HOLD SCISSORS’
“THE PEN IS MIGHTER”
“IKEA DOES WHAT NINTENDON’T”
“ALSO HOLDS UP TO FOUR NES GAMES”
“COMES IN ONE COLOR: CRAP”
“IT’S NOT GLUE THAT’S HOLDING THESE TOGETHER. TRUST ME.”
World of Warcraft Magnet – Bitches are Blue in Azeroth
Description: Stop and think for a minute. Trolls, Night Elves, Naga, Draenei. There are a lot of blue bitches making Azeroth their home. Let the world know that are aware and taking advantage of it with this 2.25 in diameter magnet stating this all important fact.
Really, stop and think for a minute. Outside of Private Benjamin, the Smurfs, James Cameron’s Avatar ™, X-Men, and Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory, there aren’t enough blue bitches in this world to justify the display of such a magnet. In Azeroth, however, you can rest assured that you’ll be up to your body modded elf ears in the blue bitches that you crave. And if you know what they say about blue bitches, there’s one thing you’ll never find in Azeroth: blue balls. This will go great on the fridge right in between my “Bitches have six-packs on their heads on Kronos” and “Bitches are fowl in Duckberg” magnets.
“…BUT STILL RED ON THE INSIDE”
“DON’T IT MAKE THE BROWN EYE BLUE?”
“WHY YOU GOTTA CALL HOES, BITCHES, YO”
“38% OF GAMERS ARE BITCHES; 90% OF THOSE ARE DUDES”
Description: This is a great plush for anyone who loves Mario or the Mario Bros game. Its great to decorate a room with or to use for a Mario themed birthday party.
Mario is 7 1/2 in. tall and comes complete with an adoption certificate!
If Snuggles the fabric softener bear had sex with an Italian plumber, the end result of their night of cling-free passion might be similar to what we see here. Just how this Mario ended up in such an overweight state is another matter, entirely. All the man ever eats are mushrooms and flowers (and occasionally some peanuts when out with Luigi) and he’s constantly exercising, particularly during auto scrolling levels. Does Kuribo’s Shoe come in sizes larger than 13? Forget about making a Koopa Troopa hide in its shell, if Mariobese jumps on a turtle, he’ll crush it like egg.
NES Pipe made to order
Description: watch your friends get a kick out of your new tobacco pipe! ^_^
This is a custom made tobacco pipe made from a NES controller complete with carb hole and threaded mouth and bowl pieces
Feel free to ask ANY questions ;)
What was once a punchline in our previous Etsy round-up becomes a full-fledged entry, available for purchase for those that haven’t yet spent all their remaining cash on Twinkies, Cheez-Its, and Zagnut candy bars. Previously, we caught some flak from commenters for stooping so low, but, luckily, a steady diet of whiskey and reality television has made us immune to such insightful criticism. Want to get a high score? Is Smoke your favorite Mortal Kombat character? Then put down the Donkey Bong and pick up your credit card. Maybe if you input the Konami code on this thing, you’ll be able to take 30 hits off of it instead of 3.
Video Game COSTUME Boy or Girl fashion doll
Description: Fun. . Economical. .All New Concept. . Costume . . Great for using the imagination . .
DEER HUNTER VIDEO GAME Costume
Will fit BOY OR GIRL fashion dolls. . 10″ to 12″ tall approx. . including Ken, GI Joe, Action Figures, Barbie, Liv, Momoko, Dynamite Girls, Best Friends, Bratz, Moxie, Sindy and many more. Ask if you have any questions.
. .Doll and Clothes NOT included
You know how it is. Barbie has invited you to her Halloween slumber party at the last minute, even if it’s only because you ran into her at Party City picking up some Jack O’ Lantern shaped plates and cups. Now, you must attend a costume ball that you’re not even interested in, purely for the purposes of spite. With this functional arcade cabinet that you can wear, it won’t be the first time men put money down your pants, but it will be the last time Barbie forgets to invite you to one of her parties. Following the current trend, you’re not just a Big Buck Hunter cabinet, you’re a sexy Big Buck Hunter cabinet. Just watch out for graffiti-happy teens with Sharpies. They didn’t change Puck-Man’s name to Pac-Man for no reason at all.
“THERE’S A HIGH SCORE JOKE IN HERE SOMEWHERE”
“IF YOUR QUARTER GETS STUCK, JUST GIVE IT A GOOD SMACK”
“BIG BUCK HUNTER…I’VE SEEN THAT GUY ON THE INTERNET”
“DON’T STARE AT HER BOOB–OH…NEVERMIND”
“THIS CHICK HAS A JOYSTICK!”
“I USUALLY SAVE HUNTING GAMES FOR THE END OF THE DATE”
Description: “battleship” is one in an new series of photographs, that features vintage toys and dolls.
aside from occasional cropping, my work is photoshop-free. i don’t digitally alter my images and my photography has a decidedly vintage bent. i shoot people, places and all kinds of unusual things.
“KEEP STARING….KEEP STARING….IF YOU DON’T LOOK AWAY, IT CAN NEVER SINK YOUR BATTLESHIP. KEEP STARING…DISTRACT IT WITH YOUR PANTS, MY FRIEND”
XBOX 360 Kinect Privacy Box Cover Gamer Basic or Funky You Choose
Description: We LOVE our Kinect, but the idea of a little camera peeking into our living room all day and night is a bit creepy. So, we designed a box that fits neatly over the system and has a little door that pops up so it can do what it needs to do when it needs to do it, but won’t get to watch me walking around in my undies later on
You’ve got to be a special kind of paranoid to be afraid that gaming cameras are watching you at all hours of the day. Thanks to ridiculous cartoons like The Littles and David the Gnome, when I was very little I believed that magical electronic devices like televisions and radios actually contained tiny little people controlling them — then I turned 4. Now, thanks to movies like Space Camp and Superman 2, I have no reason not to believe that computers will achieve a level of sentience that at least rivals that of most Internet forum posters. As such, I would like to point out that no one has scientifically proven that the Kinect is NOT secretly watching your every move, silently chuckling when you stub your toe on your coffee table in the middle of the night, or sneering in disgust when you eat that whole bag of Jalapeno Cheetos while watching Jersey Shore. Also, I would always choose “Funky”.
“HEY KINECT, STOP TRYING TO STEAL MY GIG”
“I LIKE TO PUT UNDIES ON MY KINECT AND STARE AT IT”
“AIN’T NO WAY TO HIDE MICROSOFT’S LYING EYES”
Turn Off The Videogame Bookmark
Description: Red handmade fabric bookmark with a red ribbon is imprinted with the following:
“Turn Off The Video Game And Read A Book !!”
Give to a family member or friend who needs to be reminded now and then
There’s nothing like that jerk family member or friend who wants to tell you how reading a book is so much more life-enriching than playing a videogame. Whatever, we’re so intellectual about stuff — what do they know? Moby Dick is about that bald musician guy, War and Peace only sounds half awesome, and we totally played Dante’s Inferno (it’s about boobs, duh). The best part of a bookmark that reminds you to read a book, is that it’s probably in the book. This is like that time I put grandpa’s medicine alarm in his heart pills box. We miss you, gramps.
Pokébra Pokémon Bra
Description: This Pokémon bra is designed to look like two Pokéballs.
Perfect for nerd lingerie or any Pokémon lover!
Don’t forget to order matching bikini style panties:
Sometime, during the ’60s, American women sought liberation from the misogynistic attitudes of males. Many women took to burning their bras, as a sign of rebellion from the constricting ties of gender roles. Today, in the 21st century, women can also find liberation – in placing their breasts into giant Pokéballs. Yes, remember what your predecessors fought for: gender equality in fair pay, the right to speak your mind, and most importantly, the right to turn your body into the starring role of an awkward pubescent boy’s dream. I actually almost feel left out now; where is my Bulbasaur banana hammock?
World’s Saddest Cupcake Toppers
Description: now marketing our custom designed creations for everyone to enjoy. These toppers can be added to any cupcake, any cookie, or any cake!
Custom Original Designed ‘VIDEO GAME INSPIRED’ Fondant Toppers for cupcakes, cookies, or cake
“Here you go little Johnny, here’s your birthday cupcakes, Xbox 360 style!” Gee, mom, thanks. I’ve always wanted my cupcakes to look like a row of frowning faces. Maybe you’ve got some Heavy Rain-inspired party horns that scream “Jason!” while we all sit around crying. Do you have some Mega Man Legends 3 screenshots you could brighten my day with? Ya know, mom, it’s not like I don’t already know you’re disappointed in how I dropped out of college to become a professional gamer. Yes, I know that was 12 years ago, and yes, I know I’m wearing a Pokébra.
Good At Games T-Shirt
Description: Turbo Kick Ass!!! I’m Good at Video Games T Shirt by Raucous Apparel
Available in Black Only
Screen Printed by handsome gentlemen to order.
Available in sizes and shit, you know. 2x and up 24.95$
I like this seller’s style. First, there is the subtle genius of the shirt itself. At first, you look at the top of the garment and think, “How wonderful! This young man is quite good at electronic entertainment!” Then you see the bottom, and you think, “wow, this guy is a complete douchebag!” If you wear this shirt to any public place, I will personally guarantee that you will leave with over zero dates with women who are not blind. Even better, these shirts are available in many sizes, including “sizes and shit, you know.” You might have to spring the extra five bucks for 2XL, though, to fit over your head.