More of the Weird World of Etsy Gaming

(Originally published on 1UP.com on September 16, 2011)

(includes draft notes regarding Toby “the” Gamesmaster’s comments that were ultimately removed in favor of tyranny)

A month ago, Brian Kent and Matt Clark ventured into the handmade world of crafty site Etsy.com in search of the finest in video game folk art. They failed. Miserably.

Well, they’ve gone back into the wild and returned with — well, they’ve returned with a whole heaping load of weird crap that’s at least marginally related to videogames. There’s a Final Fantasy bear, a Pokémon bra — you know, just normal crafts. Creative endeavors such as these are the cornerstone of the American dream, and will haunt your nightmares.

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 Description: This original illustration is from my 8 Bit Dreams series.

A daily project where I’m doing spot illustrations for each of the 799 original Nintendo Entertainment System games.

 http://www.etsy.com/listing/79424574/amagon-original-nes-illustration?ref=cat2_gallery_14

While there is a lot of tragedy in this list, not everything featured here is a disappointment. Far from pathetic, this illustration of obscure NES game Amagon is pretty much fried gold, but, then again, so is the original box art. I’m having a hell of time trying to decide which is the more awesome of the two. On the one hand, you’ve got a dinosaur (including egg), robot, UFO (including Devil’s Tower), crab, crystal skull, firefly, bat, Scooby Doo eyes, and unidentified screaming, purple creature. If only it contained a shark, it would have been a solid retrospective of every movie Steven Spielberg has ever made. On the other hand, there’s that guy’s nipples. I suggest you check out artist Campbell Whyte’s website (www.campbellwhyte.com) for more incredible drawings of every single NES title that ever was. Fester’s Quest is my favorite.

(Amagon cover image via wikipedia)

TOBY:

“THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN A TOP BECOMES A BOTTOM”

“DR. JECKELL AND MR. HIDE THE SALAMI”

“HIS SWEAT TASTES LIKE VICTORY. PLEASE ASK ME HOW I KNOW THAT”

“THERE ARE FEW THINGS I WON’T HAVE SEX WITH. THIS IS NOT ONE OF THEM.”

“DISTRESS IS A NATURAL LUBRICANT” (I don’t know what that means)

“SOMETHING ABOUT THE INCREDIBLE HULK”

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Gunner Yuna Costumed Teddy Bear

Description: Yuna is an about 18″ handmade non-jointed teddy bear dressed as one of the heroines of the video game Final Fantasy X-2. Her clothes are all handmade as well.

Yuna is one of our more ambitious projects, with lots of details such as a fringed hip pouch, vinyl boots, beaded and wrapped “hair” tassel, laced wristlets, and a hand-painted and lace-frilled skirt. She is one of the few extra-detailed bears of ours to not sell immediately, so she is now available on Etsy. Hooray.

As with all of our bears, Yuna is a collector’s/adult fan item; we cannot guarantee child safety. Thank you.

http://www.etsy.com/listing/15996615/gunner-yuna-costumed-teddy-bear?ref=cat2_gallery_36

With Matt Clark contributing, this article has enough gay innuendo as it is without bringing costumed bears into the mix, but we did have an obligation to fill the Final Fantasy quota. In this case, we’ve “stuffed” it full to the brim, with this adorable item that cannot be guaranteed to not kill your child. If you’re the sort of person that would buy a bear like this, the world can only hope that you have not, nor shall you ever bear (HA!) offspring that will potentially creep out my future children. In spite of its admittedly fine craftsmanship, Yuna Bear is only available on Etsy because she has not yet sold in normal outlets. Thank goodness the Internet is here to suck up all the refuse that falls to the bottom of the retail ocean. Unfortunately, we’ve been hired to perform a half-assed autopsy on Etsy right here in front of you and if that Kitner boy’s remains, or something like this bear, spill out all over the dock, we apologize.

TOBY:

“I’D SURE LIKE HER TO SHOVE HER HAND UP ME”

“AND YOU THOUGHT A BEAR IN A RAIN COAT WAS THE HEIGHT OF FASHION”

“STUFFED WITH THE HAIR OF ACTUAL BEARS. NOT THE ANIMALS”

“EYES NOT GUARANTEED TO MATCH”

“CHILDREN GUARANTEED TO DIE”

“NOT SAFE FOR CHILDREN OR ANYONE”

“WHILE DRESSED AS YUNA, BEAR IS ACTUALLY A MALE”

“BE SURE TO SET YOUR MATERIA BEFORE CUDDLING”

“NOT GUARANTEED TO ASSIST WITH SLEEP. QUITE THE OPPOSITE”

“GENTLY SCENTED WITH THE SOOTHING AROMA OF AN ANIME CONVENTION”

Nintendo Desk Organizer

Description: We’ve taken the cartridge cases for the classic NES games you know and love and upcycled them into a four slot desk organizer.

File your bills, organize your pen collection, use it to hold your scissors, whatever!

Be the envy of your office… or at least have a cooler place to keep your junk!

http://www.etsy.com/listing/64174780/nintendo-desk-organizer?ref=cat2_gallery_40

Sure, you may have taken four NES game dust covers and glued them together, expending a Super Big Gulp’s amount of creative juices, but you can’t rest on your laurels now. See, I’ve been working on my own line of desk organizers that’s going to make an Ikea KNÖS look like a NASCAR beer coozy. Get this: it’s cheap, non-toxic (for a while, at least), comes in a variety of shapes and sizes, is video game themed, and DOESN’T REQUIRE ANY GLUE. I give you, the Portal 2 Desk Organizer:

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Now, I just need to work out the licensing with Valve, and you are going down, sir.

TOBY:

“A NES DUST COVER ALSO DOUBLES NICELY AS A SPITTOON”

“MY DESK NEVER NEEDS ORGANIZING, ONLY DISINFECTING”

“…AND THAT WAS THE LAST TIME I WAS ALLOWED TO HOLD SCISSORS’

“THE PEN IS MIGHTER”

“IKEA DOES WHAT NINTENDON’T”

“ALSO HOLDS UP TO FOUR NES GAMES”

“COMES IN ONE COLOR: CRAP”

“IT’S NOT GLUE THAT’S HOLDING THESE TOGETHER. TRUST ME.”

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World of Warcraft Magnet – Bitches are Blue in Azeroth

Description: Stop and think for a minute. Trolls, Night Elves, Naga, Draenei. There are a lot of blue bitches making Azeroth their home. Let the world know that are aware and taking advantage of it with this 2.25 in diameter magnet stating this all important fact.

http://www.etsy.com/listing/80375101/world-of-warcraft-magnet-bitches-are?ref=cat2_gallery_38

Really, stop and think for a minute. Outside of Private Benjamin, the Smurfs, James Cameron’s Avatar ™, X-Men, and Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory, there aren’t enough blue bitches in this world to justify the display of such a magnet. In Azeroth, however, you can rest assured that you’ll be up to your body modded elf ears in the blue bitches that you crave. And if you know what they say about blue bitches, there’s one thing you’ll never find in Azeroth: blue balls. This will go great on the fridge right in between my “Bitches have six-packs on their heads on Kronos” and “Bitches are fowl in Duckberg” magnets.

TOBY:

“…BUT STILL RED ON THE INSIDE”

“DON’T IT MAKE THE BROWN EYE BLUE?”

“WHY YOU GOTTA CALL HOES, BITCHES, YO”

“38% OF GAMERS ARE BITCHES; 90% OF THOSE ARE DUDES”

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Mario Plush

Description:  This is a great plush for anyone who loves Mario or the Mario Bros game. Its great to decorate a room with or to use for a Mario themed birthday party.

Mario is 7 1/2 in. tall and comes complete with an adoption certificate!

http://www.etsy.com/listing/71817328/mario-plush?ref=cat2_gallery_38

If Snuggles the fabric softener bear had sex with an Italian plumber, the end result of their night of cling-free passion might be similar to what we see here. Just how this Mario ended up in such an overweight state is another matter, entirely. All the man ever eats are mushrooms and flowers (and occasionally some peanuts when out with Luigi) and he’s constantly exercising, particularly during auto scrolling levels. Does Kuribo’s Shoe come in sizes larger than 13? Forget about making a Koopa Troopa hide in its shell, if Mariobese jumps on a turtle, he’ll crush it like egg.

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NES Pipe made to order

Description:  watch your friends get a kick out of your new tobacco pipe! ^_^

This is a custom made tobacco pipe made from a NES controller complete with carb hole and threaded mouth and bowl pieces

Feel free to ask ANY questions ;)

http://www.etsy.com/listing/80688089/nes-pipe-made-to-order?ref=cat2_gallery_8

What was once a punchline in our previous Etsy round-up becomes a full-fledged entry,  available for purchase for those that haven’t yet spent all their remaining cash on Twinkies, Cheez-Its, and Zagnut candy bars. Previously, we caught some flak from commenters for stooping so low, but, luckily, a steady diet of whiskey and reality television has made us immune to such insightful criticism. Want to get a high score? Is Smoke your favorite Mortal Kombat character? Then put down the Donkey Bong and pick up your credit card. Maybe if you input the Konami code on this thing, you’ll be able to take 30 hits off of it instead of 3.

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Video Game COSTUME Boy or Girl fashion doll

Description:  Fun. . Economical. .All New Concept. . Costume . . Great for using the imagination . .

DEER HUNTER VIDEO GAME Costume

Will fit BOY OR GIRL fashion dolls. . 10″ to 12″ tall approx. . including Ken, GI Joe, Action Figures, Barbie, Liv, Momoko, Dynamite Girls, Best Friends, Bratz, Moxie, Sindy and many more. Ask if you have any questions.

. .Doll and Clothes NOT included

http://www.etsy.com/listing/54842727/video-game-costume-boy-or-girl-fashion?ref=sc_3

You know how it is. Barbie has invited you to her Halloween slumber party at the last minute, even if it’s only because you ran into her at Party City picking up some Jack O’ Lantern shaped plates and cups. Now, you must attend a costume ball that you’re not even interested in, purely for the purposes of spite. With this functional arcade cabinet that you can wear, it won’t be the first time men put money down your pants, but it will be the last time Barbie forgets to invite you to one of her parties. Following the current trend, you’re not just a Big Buck Hunter cabinet, you’re a sexy Big Buck Hunter cabinet. Just watch out for graffiti-happy teens with Sharpies. They didn’t change Puck-Man’s name to Pac-Man for no reason at all.

TOBY:

THERE’S A HIGH SCORE JOKE IN HERE SOMEWHERE”

“IF YOUR QUARTER GETS STUCK, JUST GIVE IT A GOOD SMACK”

“BIG BUCK HUNTER…I’VE SEEN THAT GUY ON THE INTERNET”

“DON’T STARE AT HER BOOB–OH…NEVERMIND”

“THIS CHICK HAS A JOYSTICK!”

“I USUALLY SAVE HUNTING GAMES FOR THE END OF THE DATE”

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battleship

Description:  “battleship” is one in an new series of photographs, that features vintage toys and dolls.

aside from occasional cropping, my work is photoshop-free. i don’t digitally alter my images and my photography has a decidedly vintage bent. i shoot people, places and all kinds of unusual things.

http://www.etsy.com/listing/80530404/battleship-8×10-photograph-of-side/

“KEEP STARING….KEEP STARING….IF YOU DON’T LOOK AWAY, IT CAN NEVER SINK YOUR BATTLESHIP. KEEP STARING…DISTRACT IT WITH YOUR PANTS, MY FRIEND”

“B-7”

“SHIT.”

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XBOX 360 Kinect Privacy Box Cover Gamer Basic or Funky You Choose

Description:  We LOVE our Kinect, but the idea of a little camera peeking into our living room all day and night is a bit creepy. So, we designed a box that fits neatly over the system and has a little door that pops up so it can do what it needs to do when it needs to do it, but won’t get to watch me walking around in my undies later on

http://www.etsy.com/listing/77826514/xbox-360-kinect-privacy-box-cover-gamer/

You’ve got to be a special kind of paranoid to be afraid that gaming cameras are watching you at all hours of the day. Thanks to ridiculous cartoons like The Littles and David the Gnome, when I was very little I believed that magical electronic devices like televisions and radios actually contained tiny little people controlling them — then I turned 4. Now, thanks to movies like Space Camp and Superman 2, I have no reason not to believe that computers will achieve a level of sentience that at least rivals that of most Internet forum posters. As such, I would like to point out that no one has scientifically proven that the Kinect is NOT secretly watching your every move, silently chuckling when you stub your toe on your coffee table in the middle of the night, or sneering in disgust when you eat that whole bag of Jalapeno Cheetos while watching Jersey Shore. Also, I would always choose “Funky”.

TOBY:

“HEY KINECT, STOP TRYING TO STEAL MY GIG”

“I LIKE TO PUT UNDIES ON MY KINECT AND STARE AT IT”

“AIN’T NO WAY TO HIDE MICROSOFT’S LYING EYES”

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Turn Off The Videogame Bookmark

http://www.etsy.com/listing/28659882/turn-off-the-video-game-bookmark?ref=sr_gallery_35&ga_search_submit=&ga_search_query=video+game&ga_view_type=gallery&ga_ship_to=US&ga_page=4&ga_search_type=handmade&ga_facet=handmade

Description: Red handmade fabric bookmark with a red ribbon is imprinted with the following:

“Turn Off The Video Game And Read A Book !!”

Give to a family member or friend who needs to be reminded now and then

There’s nothing like that jerk family member or friend who wants to tell you how reading a book is so much more life-enriching than playing a videogame. Whatever, we’re so intellectual about stuff — what do they know? Moby Dick is about that bald musician guy, War and Peace only sounds half awesome, and we totally played Dante’s Inferno (it’s about boobs, duh). The best part of a bookmark that reminds you to read a book, is that it’s probably in the book. This is like that time I put grandpa’s medicine alarm in his heart pills box. We miss you, gramps.

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Pokébra Pokémon Bra

Description: This Pokémon bra is designed to look like two Pokéballs.

Perfect for nerd lingerie or any Pokémon lover!

Don’t forget to order matching bikini style panties:

http://www.etsy.com/listing/76361800/pokebra-pokemon-bra

Sometime, during the ’60s, American women sought liberation from the misogynistic attitudes of males. Many women took to burning their bras, as a sign of rebellion from the constricting ties of gender roles. Today, in the 21st century, women can also find liberation – in placing their breasts into giant Pokéballs. Yes, remember what your predecessors fought for: gender equality in fair pay, the right to speak your mind, and most importantly, the right to turn your body into the starring role of an awkward pubescent boy’s dream. I actually almost feel left out now; where is my Bulbasaur banana hammock?

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World’s Saddest Cupcake Toppers

Description: now marketing our custom designed creations for everyone to enjoy. These toppers can be added to any cupcake, any cookie, or any cake!

Custom Original Designed ‘VIDEO GAME INSPIRED’ Fondant Toppers for cupcakes, cookies, or cake

http://www.etsy.com/listing/79928991/custom-original-designed-video-game?ref=sr_gallery_16&ga_search_submit=&ga_search_query=video+games&ga_view_type=gallery&ga_ship_to=US&ga_search_type=handmade&ga_facet=handmade

“Here you go little Johnny, here’s your birthday cupcakes, Xbox 360 style!” Gee, mom, thanks. I’ve always wanted my cupcakes to look like a row of frowning faces. Maybe you’ve got some Heavy Rain-inspired party horns that scream “Jason!” while we all sit around crying. Do you have some Mega Man Legends 3 screenshots you could brighten my day with? Ya know, mom, it’s not like I don’t already know you’re disappointed in how I dropped out of college to become a professional gamer. Yes, I know that was 12 years ago, and yes, I know I’m wearing a Pokébra.

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Good At Games T-Shirt

Description: Turbo Kick Ass!!! I’m Good at Video Games T Shirt by Raucous Apparel

Available in Black Only

Screen Printed by handsome gentlemen to order.

            Available in sizes and shit, you know. 2x and up 24.95$

http://www.etsy.com/listing/77480105/funny-im-good-at-video-games-t-shirt-by?ref=sr_gallery_12&ga_search_submit=&ga_search_query=video+games&ga_view_type=gallery&ga_ship_to=US&ga_page=13&ga_search_type=handmade&ga_facet=handmade

I like this seller’s style. First, there is the subtle genius of the shirt itself. At first, you look at the top of the garment and think, “How wonderful! This young man is quite good at electronic entertainment!” Then you see the bottom, and you think, “wow, this guy is a complete douchebag!” If you wear this shirt to any public place, I will personally guarantee that you will leave with over zero dates with women who are not blind. Even better, these shirts are available in many sizes, including “sizes and shit, you know.” You might have to spring the extra five bucks for 2XL, though, to fit over your head.

The Weird World of Etsy Gaming

(Originally published on 1UP.com on August 16, 2011)

Like most well loved media, video games often inspire creative individuals to produce their own works of art based on them. A look at most social news web sites or gaming blogs would suggest that these artistic endeavors consist of nothing but baked goods and graffiti, but it is not so. Handmade craft store Etsy.com offers creators a platform with which to sell their game-related wares, and the variety of product contained therein is quite staggering. OK, so most of it is soap, but here’s Matt Clark and Brian Kent to take you beyond the soap, and delve deep into the strange world of gaming crafts.

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Description:  I’m cool, I’m fun I like to play a lot with my DSI and can’t be with out my Iphone cause I got to keep my facebook up to date I’m made from felt and foam and that’s how I came to life to turn any frown upside down.

Brian:  When the officers of NAMBLA got together to design themselves a mascot for the purposes of luring in prey, their effort gave birth to a puppet more frightening than any dried up bird from The Dark Crystal. Now, I’ve placed my hands in a lot of disgusting places, places that hands were not meant to go, and this malformed muppet would still give me pause a moment before insertion.  Just imagine the innards of such a gaming creature. Pushing your way past stale Hot Pockets, acidic Mountain Dew, Double Decker Tacos, and Nutter Butters to manipulate the mandible of this frightening creation is the realm of men with far more fortitude than I. If you are feeling lonely, though, we’re sure this thing would fit perfectly over your Fleshlight for at least one night of acceptable losses. “…turn any frown upside down,” while turning any stomach.

And yet, so fascinated were we with this authentic gamer depiction, we knew that we would be remiss to toss him aside like a Facebook friend request from your own mother. So, we have christened him Toby “the” Gamesmaster, official resident and spokespuppet of Etsy.com, and invited him to join us on our journey inside its craft-work bowels. Hopefully, his comments will provide some insight into the creative process and not make you throw up.

http://www.etsy.com/listing/66396332/cool-video-game-boy-puppet?ref=sr_gallery_3&ga_shopname=idreaminink&ga_search_query=video+games&ga_page=36&ga_search_type=handmade&ga_facet=handmade

Daddy Is my Guitar Hero Baby Onesie

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Description:  Daddy Is my Guitar Hero Baby Onesie Bodysuit or Toddler TShirt.  Give your baby some style! Also makes great baby shower gift!

Matt:  He was his hero, until one day Daddy suddenly disappeared. Sure, dad was popular when he first broke out onto the scene, but everyone quickly grew tired of storing all his shit in the hall closet. You can’t blame mom for having wandering eyes, kid; dad was becoming a bit redundant. The old man might have had an easier time if this shirt included more relevant instructions, e.g. “Please feed between raids,” “Change diaper at Call of Doodie,” or “Do not insert Wii-mote.” With helpful tips like these, Daddy, and the gaming community in general, can avoid embarrassing news headlines or CSI reenactments that tarnish our illustrious public image.

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Description:  Highly Durable. Image is burned on using a process called sublimation. Image is printed and then Pressed against the tile with high pressure and heat to produce a heat and water resistant finish. This tile coaster is great as a gift for an animal lover or for yourself.

Brian:  I think I may have discovered the true identity of all of those guys I’ve met on Xbox Live.  The horrible teamwork, aloof attitudes, racial bigotry, and constant swearing now make total sense: those people are cats! Getting a cat to do your will is not at all unlike trying to get some teammate to guard the damn checkpoint, stop team-killing you, or quit driving the tank you’re riding in into a tree. Well, at least cats bathe themselves every once and a while.

http://www.etsy.com/listing/37058787/orange-cat-playing-video-games-art-tile?ref=sr_gallery_26&ga_search_query=video+games&ga_page=57&ga_search_type=all&ga_facet=

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Description:  Up for grabs is a Solid Snake from Metal Gear Solid parody rubber duck! These ducks measure 3.5″ tall and really squeak! Please note also that each of these ducks is MADE TO ORDER so as soon as I see that you’ve purchased it, I’ll get to making it. Solid Snake and Metal Gear Solid are a property of Konami. He is only used here as a PARODY of the original character as, obviously, he isn’t a duck, but he’s a really funny duck.

Matt:  The seller actually offers a little more insight into his skilled trade on the Etsy page. When ordering one of his fine ducks, you may receive a slightly different duck, because he’s “constantly perfecting his duck making.” I like to think that this guy’s sitting in a Buddhist temple somewhere, surrounded by rubber duckies, being coached by a wise master of duck-arts. As cool as that sounds, I’m actually terrified to ask where he gets the hair from. Maybe there should be another disclaimer: “Additional ducks may take an extra month to process; I have nothing left to wax.”

http://www.etsy.com/listing/54685134/metal-gear-solid-solid-snake-rubber-duck?ref=v1_other_1

Pipe Cleaner Samus

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Description:  This is a good one. I even have Samus Aran. She’s from the hit video game Metroid. It is 5-6 inches tall and in god condition. Also available in Metroid Fusion Samus, Zero suit Samus, Gravity Suit Samus, Phazon Suit Samus from the Prime series, and an alternate version of the zero suit Samus(Justin Bailey).

Brian:  I’d sure like to have Samus clean my pipes, ifyaknowwhatImean, but in this case, “The Other M” stands for malformed. From her mismatched leg warmers, to her lumpy, fuzzy, awkward breasts and gigantic head, Pipe Cleaner Samus is solely the wet dream of corn-cob pipes or puppets named Toby. If you squint really hard, it kind of looks like a really anti-aliased version of Samus, though. While mostly just operating in the realm of sexy, Pipe Cleaner Samus is also a fully-functional bounty hunter, cleansing the insides of your pipes like she cleanses the universe of Metroids. Seems a perfect fit for my own personal smoking device:

OLYMPUS DIGITAL CAMERA

Video Game Inspired Personalized Kids Birthday Shirt

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Description:  Our personalized video game inspired shirt features your child’s name and age (found after the word “Level”) on our “video screen.” The back of the shirt showcases a video game controller complete with your child’s name and the caption “Birthday Boy.” You can choose any words you’d like to be printed on the back band of the shirt! This is a unique & original way for the guest of honor to stand out even more on his special day!

Matt:  I remember being a nerdy videogame kid. It was so awesome going to school, being excited about the local arcade getting a Space Harrier machine, and having other kids pour milk on your head. Ah, those were “the good ol’ days.” Luckily, this insightful Etsy creator has found a way to make your child even more susceptible to ridicule from the wrestling team. Just take a psuedo-Space Invaders screen, add your kid’s name, and he’s immediately being ignored on the day the cheerleader girl is handing out party invitations. As if that wasn’t great enough, you can emblazon his name on the back of the shirt with the popularity-boosting statement, “[INSERT BULLY-MEAT’S NAME], HIGH SCORE! BIRTHDAY BOY” This graphic is conveniently located on the shirt’s back, the same location where he will be kicked and mocked from. There is one line missing from the creator’s description: “Shirt made from high-absorbency chamois. Great for soaking up tears and mouth-blood alike.”

http://www.etsy.com/listing/66629898/video-game-inspired-personalized-kids?ref=sr_gallery_1&ga_shopname=idreaminink&ga_search_query=video+games&ga_page=14&ga_search_type=handmade&ga_facet=handmade

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Description:  This is an acetate drypoint etching. Instead of using a copper plate, I use a thick piece of acetate and carve into it with a razor blade. The gaming system (not depicted) is Nintendo GameCube.

Brian:  I’m not sure if 1UP is even allowed to post such a picture as has been offered up by this artist, so if that is not the case, those with small children or weak stomachs should avoid clicking the following link to this item. If you are currently looking at said picture, I apologize profusely.

According to the description, the game system involved is that most sexy of consoles, a Nintendo GameCube. Forgiving for a moment this woman’s concave thighs and broken pelvis, let’s make a serious attempt to discern exactly what she might have been playing that resulted in such a candid, artistic piece. There’s really only one game that makes me want to take off all of my clothes and put on sunglasses, and that game, of course, is Winnie the Pooh’s Rumbly Tumbly Adventure. As evidenced here, it’s worth mentioning to the ladies that large sunglasses can do wonders to distract from your squid-beak mouth or an apartment floor that sits at a 45 degree angle.

http://www.etsy.com/listing/28414523/nude-videogamer-mature?ref=sr_gallery_21&ga_search_query=video+games&ga_page=64&ga_search_type=all&ga_facet=

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Description:  One of three scents inspired by the most powerful of elemental spells in the Final Fantasy series. This is the scent of billowing flames as they surround your foes. Key ingredients to this ‘spell’ include hot cinnamon, a few drops of fiery dragon’s blood, cedarwood and juniper for tinder, and a dash of clove and nutmeg to bring out its true heat. Please check out our Elemental Spells collection, which features Thundaga, Blizzaga, and Firaga. It’s the perfect gift for the old school gamer in your life!

Matt:  I can’t wait for the next gaming convention. Now, instead of the fragrant aroma of body odor and Taco Bell flatulence, we can all look forward to the lovely scent of Chocobo dung. “This is the scent of billowing flames as they surround your foes.” Perfect, because if you’re looking to attract potential mates, there’s nothing quite like the fragrance of burning flesh to lure them into your subterranean gaming lair. I’m not sure which version of the perfume this represents, but I think we can all agree that it was pretty much downhill after the seventh batch.

http://www.etsy.com/listing/64345707/firaga-final-fantasy-inspired-scent?ref=sr_gallery_12&ga_search_query=video+games&ga_page=10&ga_search_type=handmade&ga_facet=handmade

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Description:  Whether you are a real musician or someone who appreciates real musicians, this piece of wearable art should help you express how tired you are of all the hype surrounding the Guitar Heroes/Rock Band/similar video games. Made out of Shrinky Dinks, this piece of jewelry has both a necklace loop and a pin backing so the wearer has the option of wearing it as a pendant or a brooch.

Brian:  Well, KIM’S WORLD O’ FART, if that is your real name, you really got us on this one.  Zing! I’m going to write out a list of Real Guitar Heroes and you tell me what they all have in common: Prince, Eddie Van Halen, Eric Clapton, Jack White, Stevie Ray Vaughn, and The Edge. Incredible finger dexterity?  Exposure to music performance at an early age?  An amazing amount of drive and dedication to be the best that they can be? Wrong. All pretentious assholes.  Also of note, Real Etsy Heroes make a point to clear away any giant black hairs from their product before taking a picture. Do I have to pay extra for the hair that fell off of your Slash wig?

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Description:  Originally inked by the artist and printed on heavy weight, glossy card stock. Good enough quality to send to a loved one or frame for keeps. Includes one charcoal gray envelope. Your card will be delivered to you in a clear plastic sleeve with stiff backing. Please allow 3-5 days for printing and shipping.

Matt:  Baby, I know it’s Valentine’s Day. I know you been sittin’ at home all day, thinkin’ about your love machine slaving away at the GameStop. Yeah…it’s about 2 o’ clock…you know what that means: time to end this four hour shift. That’s right, baby; daddy’s made him a Jackson, a Lincoln, and three Washingtons today. I’mma make it rain all over that Snuggie. So, I’ve been thinkin’, “How do I get an appropriate card to show you how much I want to be all up in them guts?” I found that card, sweet thing. Yeeeeeaaahhh, that’s right, your beauty rivals the graphics of Doom 3. You feel me? ‘Cause you’re dark, frightening, and haven’t been relevant since ‘bout 2005. Why you cryin’ girl? They was all sold out of them “you’re worth more than a sealed copy of Daikatana” cards.

http://www.etsy.com/listing/68804463/nerd-alert-your-beautydoom-3-art-card-5?ref=sr_gallery_33&ga_shopname=idreaminink&ga_search_query=video+games&ga_search_type=handmade&ga_facet=handmade

Mini Mario Bath Bomb

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Description:  Inspired by a custom order, this fun little Mario is sure to make bath time more fun! On a miniature cupcake base, this Mario will fizz as it scents your bath. You pick the scent and base color and Mario will be on his way! Everything but the cupcake wrapper is completely water soluble. Mario measures @1.75″ x 1.75″ Mario comes in a clear treat bag with scent and directions on the bottom.

Brian:  Though they’ve missed the obvious bath Bob-omb joke, I like these Mario Bath Bombs because they show Mario in an assortment of emotional states that I can choose from based on my mood. On the left, we have stern, sexy Mario, ready to sweep me off my feet. In the middle, kinky Mario’s mischievous look tells me that I may be in for an adventurous night. Finally, there’s aloof Mario, for those times when I want to take control. Super Mario Bros. bath bomb secret trick (Shhhh!  Don’t tell anyone!): sometimes I’ll use all three in one night and drift off to my own little minus world. The tiny bubbles tickle my skin, eventually leading to my own personal eruption of fireworks that don’t require waiting for the timer to end in 1, 3, or 6.

http://www.etsy.com/listing/66544655/mini-mario-bath-bomb?ref=sr_gallery_6&ga_search_query=video+games&ga_page=7&ga_search_type=all&ga_facet=

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Description:  He’s coming back! Yes, really! Everyone’s favorite a$$-kickin’, alien killer!  This is a set of 4 a$$-kickin’ blank note cards! The cards are ink-jet printed from my hand-drawn art.

Each card measures 4.25″ X 5.5″. They are blank on the inside, and come with matching envelopes.  If you would like custom quantity or captions please send me a convo and I will create a custom order for you.

Matt:  This seems like a cheap cash-in on a franchise that’s already been through its share of heartbreak. Still, these cards serve an important purpose: showing what Duke looks like after all these years, especially after his third stroke. Sure, his mouth is permanently stuck in a crooked sneer, but as soon as you hear his trademark quips, you’ll know the King is back, baby! “COMME GETSSHHH SHHOMME!! *fart* I LIKE BIG GU– I’m sho lonely”

http://www.etsy.com/listing/68261859/alien-killer-note-cards-duke-nukem?ref=sr_gallery_13&ga_search_query=video+games&ga_page=12&ga_search_type=handmade&ga_facet=handmade

Custom video game caricature card

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Description:  This listing is for a custom drawn caricature card in color of one or two people.  This 5″x7″ illustrated card comes signed & dated and ready to frame once they’ve read your message!  Let your imagination run wild! New background ideas and caricature costume ideas encouraged! Add a special message for free! These make thoughtful birthday, wedding, congratulations, anniversary, thank you & Valentine’s day cards!  Just send me photos and your ideas and I’ll get to work!

Brian:  While the title of this feature is The Weird World of Etsy Gaming, the fact is that there are really only 12 weird items.  When I came across Cameoland’s custom card producing services, I knew that we had to at least try to get her to create a ridiculous card for us.  Unfortunately, I was not prepared for the incredibly awesome result of her efforts, integrating nearly every other entry from this list into a tribute of divine proportions.  Also, that cat is huge; thank God we are safely ensconced within that bathtub.

http://www.etsy.com/listing/66867965/video-game-caricature-card?ref=sr_gallery_31&ga_search_query=video+games&ga_page=20&ga_search_type=all&ga_facet=

The 10 Most Offensive Xbox Live Indie Games

By Brian Kent and Matt Clark (originally published on 1UP.com on January 17, 2011)

Today’s society is becoming more and more sensitive and politically correct.  We here at 1UP.com are no exception and feel we should do everything in our power to protect our readers from the nefarious influence of video games that contain questionable content.  Most of the major players in the video game arena do a fairly good job policing their wares, but there is one particular service that suffers from a severe lack of delinquency management: the Xbox Live Indie Games channel.  Rather than soil our own fragile souls attempting to survey this repository of evil, we have enlisted the assistance of two corrupt individuals well versed in such debauchery.  Allow Matt Clark and Brian Kent to be your guides to the 10 most offensive games on Xbox Live Indie Games.  They are professionals, so please, don’t try these games at home.

Ninja Chop!!

http://marketplace.xbox.com/en-US/Product/Ninja-Chop/66acd000-77fe-1000-9115-d80258550471

Brian:  Ninja Chop!! starts out innocently enough, but once it’s true nature is revealed, it’ll either be the best or worst game you have ever played, depending on your proclivities.  Like a combination of ancient Japan and a carnival midway, Ninja Chop!! has the player chopping the tops off of milk bottles using simple timed button presses (a lot like in Fable 2’s mini-games).  Its ridiculously easy and not really that exciting.  That is until you chop off your first bottle cap.  After that, it will all become clear.  The extremely specific camera controls, the unlockable costumes (or lack thereof), and simplistic gameplay begin to make sense, unfortunately.  I hate to spoil it for you, but I feel it is my duty to have uploaded the following video clip.

Matt:  Personally, I think you’re way off base here. Ninja Chop!! is just wholesome, old-fashioned, American fun. Have you never been to a historic dairy? Obviously not, because if you had, you would have recognized that large-breasted ninjas being sprayed with creamy white milk is just another part of living on the farm. How else do you think milk is made? I’m just happy this game developer had the courage to create a title that is both educational and entertaining. I am in full support of Ninja Chop!!’s brand of edutainment; as long as they never use chocolate milk. That’s just disgusting.

Barf and Beer

http://marketplace.xbox.com/en-US/Product/Barf-And-Beer/66acd000-77fe-1000-9115-d8025855018e

Video (trailer): http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tlY2wBy5hjM

Matt:  Developer meeting: “Dude! Remember that one time that we drank so much beer, and then like, we started barfing together into brown paper bags? And then like, you got alcohol poisoning and shit? Remember how Bob choked on his own vomit in his sleep? That was rad, bro. So super rad.” It’s easy to pass off Barf and Beer as just a crass spectacle, but you have to look deeper into the important contribution the game presents to alcoholics everywhere. Finally, a game that allows people with a serious addiction to “live vicariously” through simulated binge drinking. I think the film Trainspotting should have had a similar marketing strategy: “Heroin addiction got you down?”

Brian:   I hate to say it, but the beer swilling video game hit its peak in 1983 with the release of Tapper.  Until MadCatz releases the beer tap peripheral of my dreams, we’ll have to deal with frustratingly simplistic button pressing mini-games like this.  It’s like a baby’s toy!  What kind of man would design a game that teaches babies how to drink beer?  Everyone knows babies only enjoy the hard stuff.  I wish a brown paper bag did come with this game so that I could put it over my head while I played.  It’s probably what the developers did while they programmed it.

Ace Gals Tennis

http://marketplace.xbox.com/en-US/Product/Ace-Gals-Tennis/66acd000-77fe-1000-9115-d802585504c7

Brian:  Using sex to sell something is a common practice.  Ace Gals Tennis takes this marketing principle to heart and features some Bayonetta-esque girls all ready and willing to engage the player in a battle of ball swatting.  I’m not afraid to admit that the one of the reasons I might watch women tennis has little to do with my enjoyment of the game, itself.  So when I saw some of the girls’ suggestive poses during character selection, I recognized that the developers and I might be on the same page.  Once the game started, however, I was greeted with an opponent that most would consider the exact opposite of sexy:  an Xbox Live Avatar.  FOILED AGAIN! (Editor’s note: That stuff Brian said about why he watches women’s tennis was completely untrue and used only for comedic effect.  I swear.)

Matt:  (Real Editor’s Note: All of the things Brian said about women’s tennis is totally true. He is a disgusting pervert). I haven’t seen game cover art that was this misleading since RuPaul’s Nude Wrestling for the Atari Jaguar. Still, I’m surprised you don’t find Xbox Live Avatars sexy, I mean, who doesn’t like women with freakishly tiny bodies and gigantic, horrific heads? It worked for the Olsen twins. I’ve never been a huge fan of tennis games, but Ace Gals – well, Ace Gals isn’t going to change that. Regardless, there’s no denying that the sport of tennis just exudes sex appeal. If you don’t believe me, ask Brian. That poster of Martina Navratilova didn’t just pin itself to the ceiling over his bed.

Obesity Epidemic

http://marketplace.xbox.com/en-US/Product/Obesity-Epidemic/66acd000-77fe-1000-9115-d802585505de

Matt:  In the year 2015, the country is overrun with morbidly obese people. When faced with such a crisis, there is only one course of action: mow them all down in a hail of gunfire. Now, there is some accurate science behind Obesity Epidemic. First of all, when fat people are murdered, all of the delicious chicken wings and hamburgers they are filled with are left behind. When John Candy died, for example, every food bank in the United States had a surplus for over 12 years. Secondly, all obese people wear the same red shirt. Unless they’re in college, in which case it has Che Guevara on it.

Brian:  Something Matt neglects to mention about Obesity Epidemic is that the atrocities contained therein are committed by the last remaining delectable morsels left to be uneaten.  Yes, the very foods that the horizontally challenged indelibly crave are the arbiters of their doom.  This is social commentary of the highest order, and I’ll be damned if I’ll let such conscionable actions ruin my freedom to be a recreational glutton.  This is America!  Land of the cheese!  Home of the glaze!  Now please excuse me while I eat this entire Turducken stuffed with hot dogs stuffed with tacos full of donuts.

Bush Hunt

http://marketplace.xbox.com/en-US/Product/Bush-Hunt/66acd000-77fe-1000-9115-d8025855046f

Brian:  The title of this game held a ton of promise, but, it unfortunately doesn’t deliver.  That was the first of Bush Hunt’s offenses.  I’m not one of those people that enjoy the sport of the hunting, but neither do I frown upon those that do; there’s nothing I love better than a steaming hot plate of bush, I just don’t have the skill or inclination to hunt it down and kill it.  For some others, the simple slaughter of animals is enough to send them on a letter writing, Internet petition-creating tear, and Bush Hunt will suffice for them.  My main problem with Bush Hunt is in the choice of animals that are meant to be hunted to death.  Angry and violent bears, cougars, deer, cows and other fierce beasts, by their very nature, are often asking for the sweet release of death by hot, metal projectile to the heart.  The animals of Bush Hunt, however, are the type of friendly, jovial lower life forms that I’d expect to see wearing colorful t-shirts and solving mysteries with children on Saturday mornings as I hunch over a bowl of Crunch Berries.

Matt:  I don’t understand what’s offensive about this game. My grandmother is very effective at spotting offensive things, and she said, “Push Butt sounds like a nice game, dear.” After playing this excellent game, I hold it in the same high regard as other great titles like Bikini Inspector (factory simulator), Pussy Patrol (animal-control RPG), and even Yogurt Slinger (Ninja Chop). What’s more frightening here is the image of a grown man sitting in front of a television, watching cartoons featuring woodland creatures solving mysteries with children while milk and Crunch Berries stream down his face. Also, he’s apparently “hunching,” so add a little Quasimodo to that nightmare soup.

Juggler

http://marketplace.xbox.com/en-US/Product/Juggler/66acd000-77fe-1000-9115-d802585504d2

Pic: http://i.imgur.com/09ZZn.jpg

Matt:  Juggler is the opposite of a suicide prevention hotline. “Don’t have any friends? Then you’ll be right at home with Juggler, loser.” Once the game is started, the developer decided to see how long a human is capable of bouncing smiley faces on a paddle (in front of kitten heads) without putting a gun in their mouth. The answer is negative five minutes. Honestly, this is the most depressing videogame ever created, and if you can finish without hanging yourself, your Xbox will print out recruiting papers for the Army special forces. As bad as Juggler is, that is the greatest game cover of all time. I wonder how long John McCain had to pose in that clown costume.

Brian:  As Matt is well aware, there’s nothing I like better than a nice set of balls to play with, which is why I think he snuck Juggler onto the list.  I’d love nothing more than to rip apart Juggler right in the jugular, but I find myself admiring a lot of the little touches that have gone into this game to distract us from the fact that it is a one player version of Pong.  Any game that incorporates the Wilhem scream is genius in my book.  And about that cover?  I think something may have gone horribly wrong in the translation from Clown to English.  Similar things have happened before on Xbox Live; just look at Horse Race Stater:

http://marketplace.xbox.com/en-US/Product/%E3%83%9B%E3%83%BC%E3%82%B9%E3%83%AC%E3%83%BC%E3%82%B9%E3%82%B9%E3%82%BF%E3%83%BC%E3%82%BF%E3%83%BC-Horse-Race-Stater/66acd000-77fe-1000-9115-d802585502ac

Judging by this cover, we can certainly deduce the game’s true name:  Juggalo.

Get Your Girlfriend Into Games

http://marketplace.xbox.com/en-US/Product/Get-Your-Girlfriend-Into-Games/66acd000-77fe-1000-9115-d802585506cc

Brian:  If you attempted to think up an imaginary title to a non-existent game more offensive than Get Your Girlfriend Into Games, you could sniff as much Super Glue as you want, and still be nonplussed.  Such a game does exist, however, and its offensiveness does indeed move beyond the insipid title.  The idea of a game targeted towards non-gamers (read: girls?) is not inherently crazy, but if you are going to attempt such an objective, try to be a bit more creative than simply ripping off popular board games, some aimed at ages 3-4.  “Majhong” is the stolen tile matching game we’ve all been playing since 1990, its most famous iteration probably being Shanghai.  “Crossing Words” is a rip-off of Scrabble, that works okay, I guess, other than the fact that it’s only meant for one player.  “Memory” (lifted without even a name change!) is exactly what it sounds like, and unless you are dating a toddler, probably won’t interest you or your non-game playing, hair-doing, make-up wearing, football clueless girlfriend.  “Anagrams”, while probably not plagiarized is, get this, ANAGRAMS.  Finally, “Sequence” shows players a series of button presses, then hides them and requires full recollection of the series.  NEVER HAVE YOU PLAYED SUCH A GAME.  So there you go, a perfect selection of titles guaranteed to get your kindergartener into games.

Matt:  Why are you acting like this game isn’t the greatest invention ever? Everyone knows that girls don’t play games, and if they did, it would probably amount to combing a unicorn’s hair in a kitchen. Finally, a game that takes into account the lower comprehension skills of women, while at the same time demeaning their abilities to enjoy the same games that men do. Your girlfriend doesn’t like Call of Duty because it’s “too hard to shoot the bullet machines”? No problem; Get Your Girlfriend Into Games has some crappy crosswords that she can watch you attempt to solve with your neanderthal-like brow. I’ve been trying to come up with an anagram for “misogynist,” but I can’t come up with anything because my brain is literally made out of biceps; I am that manly.

A Perfect Massage

http://marketplace.xbox.com/en-US/Product/A-Perfect-Massage/66acd000-77fe-1000-9115-d80258550219?cid=search

Pic: http://download.xbox.com/content/xna/assets/58550219_World/screen2.jpg

Matt:  When it comes to technology, mankind has a predictable set of actions that are as old as time. Step one: dream of new technology; Step two: make the dream a reality; Step three: figure out how to have sex with it. Honestly, I’m surprised some dude hasn’t put a pair of boobs on a toaster yet. Videogames are not an exception to the rule, obviously, and the Xbox Live Indie Marketplace is full of games that apparently enable gamers to get a “massage.” I love the fact that all of these massage games attempt to portray themselves as anything other than a reason to rub the least sexual device in the world on your junk. “It’s great for a relaxing back massage! Try Volcano, it finishes in a gigantic explosion…from your back.”

Brian:  Did Matt just say he ejaculates out of his ass?  I’m not sure where he gets the idea that this medically approved physical therapy software was meant for the stimulation of one’s genitals.  I mean, to even attempt to use the Xbox controller in such a way would be impractical.  Matt would have to have a vagina like the Pit of Sarlacc to pleasure himself with it.  Oh… I see.  Well, I hope it’s a pre-Special Edition vagina, at least.

The Adventures of Captain Becky

http://marketplace.xbox.com/en-US/Product/ADVENTURES-of-CAPTAIN-Becky/66acd000-77fe-1000-9115-d8025855060b

Brian:  Captain Becky shares a few similarities with a couple of the other games on our list and some runners-up, as well.  Stiff controls, lack of creativity, multifarious art design, and an objectionable female protagonist.  Since this familiar ground had been covered previously, I decided not to include Becky in this list, and it was at that moment when she took her revenge upon me.  Three Red Lights.  When a game literally red-rings your Xbox, the offensiveness scale doesn’t contain enough integers to define such a value of n.  Becky was ultimately the victor here, but when I choose “Yes” on the delete confirmation dialog box, I pressed the A button FUCKING HARD.

Matt:  I think it’s a shame that you missed out on this little gem, so allow me to give my take on Captain Becky. First, Becky is a….wait, what the Hell? Red ring…son of a bitch. DAMN YOU!!! DAMN YOU CAPTAIN BECKY, COUSIN OF EO!!

Who Did I Date Last Night?

http://marketplace.xbox.com/en-US/Product/Who-Did-I-Date-Last-Night/66acd000-77fe-1000-9115-d8025855027a

Matt:  We’ve all been there: you went on a date with a beautiful woman last night, but you have no recollection of who she was. There was probably a lot of boring crap that happened anyway, like talking or sustained eye contact. “Me remember,” you say while poring over the pictures of women in bikinis that you somehow remembered to have developed despite amnesia, “Woman – brown hair.” There’s really no need for the girl to have a name, because names contain letters and are difficult to pronounce with grunts. After putting on your cleanest Affliction t-shirt, it’s time to pound some more FourLoko and ponder why you’re so damn forgetful.

Brian:  While the very concept of this game sent shivers down Matt’s spine, my greatest beef with Who Did I Date Last Night is that fact that it’s hardly a game at all.  With gameplay that can be reproduced by typing “girl” in the search field of Flickr.com and then clicking the slideshow button, this game barely exists, let alone offends.  At least now we know what happens to all of those pictures that come with a new wallet or picture frame.